tmd tmd wtf is wrong with me how could i how could i cry over coach's words yesterday how could i its weakness in everyone's eyes i know you think i want to like HELL NO urgh wtf everything is wrong this is so wrong my life's just one whole big mistake and sadly, it went wrong on that very night.

so lets see why im so screwd up now.
1. him -tmd tmd oh why him again urgh
2. volleyball -its as obvious as it is
3. work -its so tiring im so worn out and i get like low pay and everything argh argh argh
4. family -my mom keeps saying my dad's being selfish cos he doesnt rly want us to go home and leave him at the hospital
5. me. -something is very wrong with me please tel me what.

i know i've been really weird these days with my emotions and al sometimes i just try to think that its realy just pms and i tel that to everyone but like how can this be pms for so freakin tmd tmd long and like i dontkno i dontkno why am i in this state urgh oh oh oh and guess what yesterday i cried during training over coach's words i shant say what but its those lectures on how to do those movements and actions correctly like whatever no not whatever to what he said but like urgh never mind so like what i was sayin yeap i cried like oh oh oh why why why why why dont my tears fall when it feels like the worst moments of my life and yet why do they fall like like endless drops of freakin salt water or smthng when its just lectures from coach ? or is it more than "just" ? yeap of course without doubting volleyball means heaps to me but its like i dont understand why could i cry yesterday after so many lectures why yesterday and i dont understand why do those girls and guys who have their other guy or girl sound so tmd sad when its like they have someone to support them al along and having someone's arms they can always cuddle up and cry into, having someone to be ther thinking of you maybe not always but most of the time and thats like enough alrd, having someone you can always look for and confide in, someone you can love and love you back-.

and this is not the end yet. thers stil my mom. yeap i know she wakes up at 5.30 every morning to get everyone up on time and al yes i appreciate that thank you but the point is she never lets me forget that whenever i do something wrong like being late for 5 stupid minutes and she'll go al " you girls dont ever know how tired i am having to wake up at 5.30 every single morning just to get al of you to wake up on time im so tired cant you guys just lemme take a break blah blah blahs" like tmb tmd wtf you dont even know that i dont even sleep at all im even more tired than you are and its like i know its my business so i dont rly tel anyone about it and i dont go around tellin people i sleep for those few mere hours like you do and just ranting al the time that yur tired. oh please. just gimme a break. im tired im beat im worn out i cant even believe seriously that im stil surviving without sleep for so long and its like yar yar whatever to me not like you why do you always have to make such a big deal outtof it its like no big deal okay ther are so many billion human species out ther that dont sleep at al and prolly a few thousands outtof those billions dont even have a roof over their heads like you do and they dont have a bed to sleep in like you do and they dont have al these, everything that you own. you just dont realise it yet after al and im so sick and tired of listening to yor rants no one listens to mine and like who cares i dont care nomore it wont kill to bottle it up. right.? urgh, whatever okay like yar yar fine and not just this why do you always say dad is selfish dad doesnt think of how others feel dad is insensitive oh sheesh do you even know what he's going through ? every single day he lies in bed unable to move and he hasnt been eating any real solid food- real food al he's processing in his digestion system is just nutrition solutions do you know how it hurts me when he says "oh the food smells so nice whats for dinner today for me ?" at dinnertime in the hospital and when the other patients are eating their hospital food and when i have to tel him "dad, you cant eat those, you gotta rely on nutrition water because yur stil not totally strong enough to eat these rmbr ?" DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS FCKNG HURTS ME sometimes i even run to the toilet cubicles and cry when i just see his reaction on his face-that disappointed look that he has. you know its been rocky for all of us, mom and you know we're al tired i thought we're al in this together if we are then why do you not fail to remind me how tired you are and not fail to always tel dad off for not being happy with us going home like will it kill to just stay for a few more moments doesnt it matter to you that it might be the last moments we're spending with him doesnt it matter to you at al -

and oh oh oh work is tiring im hell beat always reaching home and plopping me and my fats on the sofa like one whole pile of bacon on a plate or smthng argh wtf and the pay is low the time is right after training and its until the evening im like dead tired but i stil dont get to sleep like whatever im gonna quit work and get another job on friday i think /:

oh oh oh not forgetting volleyball yeap so what if im improving its just not fast enough for me maybe im too anxious how can i not be anxious when i see everyone improving rapidly too it always seems that i get scolded the most like im the one he wants to give up on the most i dont care if he knows im trying my best and im trying realy hard to do everything according to what he coaches i dont care if he knows i want to improve its just that im not happy with the way things are going right now, and i finally understand what zong once said. -everyone has a limit and i have a limit too. but its not enough for me. i want more. i want so much more than this." oh he's so darn right and now than i realise how right he is. yeap and he was talking bout volleyball too saying that he aint happy with his spiking but seriously btw zong i think yor spiking's realy great okay jiayou jiayou goodluck for improvising yor skills ^^ but yeap thats for him not for me i dontkno why but i just so feel like giving up al of a sudden but at the same time i cant because its one of the few reasons i live for and so i make myself carry on but sometimes what he says and those disappointed looks he gives me just aint working for me. it just aint. and it makes me feel like giving up tho i know i wont and i cant and this is the dumbass irritating shitstuff thats driving me crazy right now and i just dont know what to do, i dont know.

im just.. sad.-